Random Additions/Music

BP
Two of your cows are leaking milk at an uncontrollable rate. Um, actually fifteen of your cows are leaking milk at an uncontrollable rate. And you don't know how to stop it. Oops.

DAGENHAM AND REDBRIDGE
Where the **** did you produce those three cows from?!

CHANNEL ISLANDS
You have 2 cows, but only one can afford to live here.
(courtesy of Nicky)

THE SOUTH BANK
Your cow is inexplicably purple.

BARNET FC
Your average weekly attendance is around 2 cows - maybe 3 on a good day - and frankly you're quite happy with this.

ELEVATORS
Your two cows provide irritating background Moozak (with apologies, Ed.)

TEXT MESSAGING
U HV 2 CWS LOL :-)

THE SPICE GIRLS
You have 5 cows, each carefully marketed to suggest their own unique character. They tell you whta they want, what they really, really want.

JULIE ANDREWS
The hills are alive with the sound of moosic (Couldn't resist. Ed.)

EELS
You have no cows, but it's alright, cos you like birds.

SAINT-SAENS
You have an elephant, a swan, some donkeys... no sign of any cows, though.

TCHAIKOVSKY
You have syphilis. History hasn't recorded how many cows you had.

ANOSTICISM
You may have two cows, but on the other hand, you may not. You just don't know.

ATHEISM
Of course you don't have any cows. Don't be so ridiculous. How could you when cows don't exist?

The Beautiful Game

Inspired by Greta, frequenter of Old Trafford and all-round super-chick, brought to you by themcowthings.

CLUBS:

FULHAM
You have two cows. That was unexpected!

BRADFORD CITY
You carelessly give two cows to the opposition.

PORTSMOUTH
You owe 200 cows.

SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY
You have two cows, but it wasn't quite enough...

LIVERPOOL
Neither of your cows will ever walk alone.

SHEFFIELD UNITED
The opposition obtained two cows by breaking the rules and are not properly penalised. You lose out as a result.

MILLWALL
You have two cows. You cause a riot over it.

ACCRINGTON STANLEY
You have two cows, but are still a joke.

GRIMSBY TOWN
You have two cows, and feel this warrants a prematurely optimistic pitch invasion.

NORWICH
You have two cows, panfried and served on a bed of rocket with dauphinoise potatoes.

PEOPLE

STEVE MCLAREN
You have two cows. You schpeak to them in inexschplicable Dutch acschent. They are confusched.
(Schtop, schtop this joke is not ready! Ed.)

DAVID BECKHAM
You have one skinny cow.

ROBINHO
You are cleared of any allegations involving two cows.

KEIRON DYER
You have two cows. You are filmed with them in Ayia Napa.

DEAN WINDASS
You have two cows. Both are better looking than you.

STEVEN GERARD
You have two cows. You beat the shit out of them then deny it.

KAKA
You belong to Jesus, and so do both your cows.

ERIC CANTONA
When the two cows follow the tractor...

DAVID GINOLA
You have two cows. Because you're worth it.

SVEN GORAN ERIKSSON
You have two cows, called Ulrika and Nancy.

JOHN TERRY
You allegedly have at least two cows, stolen from other people.

FABIO CAPELLO
Two cows. You have. Yes. Is good.

GLEN HODDLE
At the end of the day, when all's said and done, you have two cows. And a faith healer.

GRAEME LE SAUX
You have two Jersey cows.

MATT LE TISSIER
And you have two Guernsey cows.

LUCA TONI
You can have as many cows as you want, because you're gorgeous.

PAUL GASCOIGNE
You had two cows, back then. You are still crying over them.

ZINEDINE ZIDANE
You better think twice before insulting my cows!

That's All (for now) Folks!!

So credit where it's due, this blog would never had happened were it not for the tireless efforts of cow lovers everywhere, amongst them anonymous web posters, friends past and present, a vicar or two and my old biology teacher. Big blog hugs to all of ya!

Please post your cows here, and they will be faithfully added to the main blog. The world needs more cows!!!

(Ah well, this was one way of dealing with insomnia!)

Then frankly...

...we all just got a bit carried away:

NIETZSCHIAN
The cows are dead.

MR T-ISM
I pity the poor foo' that don't have no cows!

SKEPTICISM
You suspend judgement, for the time being, as to whether or not you have any cows.

YODAISM
Two cows you have

DYSLEXIC ANALYSIS
You have two woks

GUERNSEY
You have two cows. They are Jersey cows. You mock them.

APPLEISM
You have two cows, both are white and shiny. Both of them are touchscreen cows that can only eat apple grass bought from the apple grass store. Everyone else has two cows just like them. You are deeply hip.

MICROSOFTISM
You have two cows, but neither are compatible, one of them just crashed due to bad grass, and the other needs more RAM. They can eat eighty different kinds of grass, and each will make them behave slightly differently.

ENGLISH FOOTBALL
You have two cows. You screw both of them.

BRITISH FARMING
You had a lot of cows. The man from DEFRA burned them. Now you have nothing.

ABBA
You have two cows. You divorce them and write a nunber 1 hit about it.

FATALISM
You have two cows, and one day they will die.

THATCHERISM
You have two cows, and a share in a third. Your neighbour has none, and their barn is about to be repossessed. Well done you.

YOUTH CULTURE
You has, like, two cows, you get me? Respect.

NIHILISM
You have two cows, but you don't milk them because they're going to die anyway.

IKEAISM
You have two cows which you assembled yourself. One is missing an udder. The other has three ears. You're not sure how that happened.

ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISM
Someone had two cows, so you invaded their field and set them free. You feel good.

BRITISH BANKING
You have a lot of cows. You squander them. The taxpayer pays for some more.

SOUTH PARKISM
You have two cows. Cows are bad, mm'kay? They trample Kenny and kill him.

ACID TRIP
You have two cows. You're not sure how they got into your apartment. Or why they're pink. Or why they're singing Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell.

POST-ALCOHOL
You think you had two cows last night... you might have lost them on the bus... oh, God, did you really say that to them? Your head hurts...

THESPIANISM
you have two cows, they are both plywood cut outs, but you call them both "darling!" and buy them cards on press night.

TEKKIEISM
you have two cows, both attached to your belt. One is a back up cow in case the first one breaks. They are both used to fix lights

INNUENDO
You "have" two cows

OLD TESTAMENT
You have two cows. Noah sends you back out as he specifically asked for one of each sex.

EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT
You have two cows/vous avez deux vaches

LATIN LESSON
Duo bovis est in horto

Literary Cows

And it wasn't long before we went literary on your arse:

SHAKESPEAREISM
You have two cows and two bulls. For spurious reasons the cows dress as bulls and the bulls dress as cows. Much hilarity ensues.

BRONTEISM:
You have three cows. They live on the moors in Yorkshire and die tragically young.

JANE AUSTENISM:
You have a cow and a bull. They are obviously made for each other, but don't find out until Chapter 18.

LAKE WOBEGONISM
You have two cows. They are strong and above average, and will one day become the key to a meandering little adventure.

TOLKIENISM
You have two cows of power, you must take one to Mount Doom in Mordor and throw it into the fiery depths. The other one is a wizard.

TOLKIENISM ACCORDING TO CS LEWIS
Not another fucking cow.

JK ROWLINGISM
You have two cows. They have made you unimaginably wealthy.

E E CUMMINGS
you have
two
cows

JACK KEROUAC
You have two cows. They travel the length and breadth of the land to find themselves.

GEORGE ORWELL
Four cows good. Two cows bad.

BRIDGET JONES
Cows owned: 2

CHARLES DICKENS
You have two cows. You give them implausible names which are meant to be funny.

ENID BLYTON
You have 5 cows, though confusingly one of them is a dog. Together they have some smashing adventures, washed down with lashings of ginger beer.

THOMAS HARDY
You have two cows. They live hard lives on bleak moorland and die tragic deaths, but only after elongating the story for far longer than is really necessary.

WORDSWORTH
I wandered lonely as a cow.

There are surely endless possibilities to the literary cows, including these on wiki. Please post new ones in the comments section!

Oh and then...

...and then my little eclectic clique of blogosphere ex-schoolmates - a group of not-quite-emos but always the Out-Crowd who lurk in cyber-space and non-trendy bars on the outskirts of towns everywhere, in the same way we always lurked just on the outside of pretty much everything, got hold of it, and that's where it starts to get interesting...

BLAIRISM:
You say you think your enemy has two cows, and go to war over it.

WESTMINSTERISM:
You have two cows. You claim for them both.

ETHICAL GIFTISM:
You have two goats. They are given to a family in Africa.

FASHIONISTAS:
You have two llamas. Cows are so last year.

PARANOIA:
You have two cows. Why does the one on the right keep looking at you funny?

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS:
You have two cows. Your neighbours have 8 cows and 11 cows respectively, but you still think your cows stand a chance.

WIKIPEDIANISM:
You have two cows. Cows are green in colour and descended from horses. Their diet consists mainly of waffles with maple syrup and their favourite activities include ice skating.

OLD TESTAMENT:
You have two cows, which you are expressly told not to worship. The cows are cool, but you still secretly covet your neighbour's ass.

Some of these, of course, fit into other categories, but they are largely original and post-date the previous ones, so are collected somewhat randomly here.

And then...

And then? Well, then I guess it all descended into a sort of free-for-all of concepts and, well, just about anything out of which you could squeeze the whole cows metaphor:

PESSIMISM
You have two cows, but they will probably both catch BSE and die.

INDIVIDUALISM
You have two cows, which you paint blue and cover in polka dots

SATANISM
.SWOC OWT EVAH UOY

SURREALISM:
You have one aardvark. It is learning to play the panpipes.

EMO-ISM:
You have two cows. They don't understand whata complex person you are

HYPOCHONDRIA:
You have two cows. Oh God! That must mean you're going to die!

Religion

Of course it was only a matter of time before religion got a look in...

ANGLICANISM:
You have two cows. Tea, anyone?

or:

You have two cows, which you milk at Christmas and Easter.

CATHOLICISM:
You have a cow; then another; then twin cows; then another; how many is that? then another...

or:

You have two cows, but after 15 centuries you realise you only have one cow, even though its still looks like two, because the Pope says so.

or:

You have two cows. You eat them on a Friday then confess to it on Saturday.

METHODISM:
You have two cows, but can only drink grape juice with them.

MORMONISM:
You have a wife and your father-in-law now has 8 cows.

CREATIONISM:
You have 2 cows. God made them.

QUAKERS:
You have two cows, but don't want to fight over it.

PRESBYTARIAN:
You have two cows, and you deserved it.

BUDDHISM:
You have two cows. They used to be rabbits.

JUDAISM:
You have two cows, which you don't milk on a Saturday. You don't have any pigs.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES:
You have two cows. You start knocking on doors to share the good news with as many people as possible.

SCIENTOLOGY
You refrain from any cow jokes on this one so as not to get sued.

HARE KRISHNA:
You have two cows. You don't eat them, but on the contrary provide free vegetarian meals for all. Rama rama ding ding.

National Stereotypes

So it wasn't long before the Cow thing flourished into a bit of national stereotyping:

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other
to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when
the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called
Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live
for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch. Life is good.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42
cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of
vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You
charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

Where It All Started

I first came across the concept of the World Order According To Cows via a poster on the wall of my history classroom at secondary school, and it caused me great amusement. I've no idea where the joke first originated so I can't give anyone credit for it (though Wiki has this to say on the subject), but the originals went something like this:

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull

Socialism:
You have two cows. You give one to your neighbour.

Communism:
You have two cows. You give them to the Government, and the Government then sells you some milk

Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Thus started something of a cult...