CLUBS:
FULHAM
You have two cows. That was unexpected!
BRADFORD CITY
You carelessly give two cows to the opposition.
PORTSMOUTH
You owe 200 cows.
SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY
You have two cows, but it wasn't quite enough...
LIVERPOOL
Neither of your cows will ever walk alone.
SHEFFIELD UNITED
The opposition obtained two cows by breaking the rules and are not properly penalised. You lose out as a result.
MILLWALL
You have two cows. You cause a riot over it.
ACCRINGTON STANLEY
You have two cows, but are still a joke.
GRIMSBY TOWN
You have two cows, and feel this warrants a prematurely optimistic pitch invasion.
NORWICH
You have two cows, panfried and served on a bed of rocket with dauphinoise potatoes.
PEOPLE
STEVE MCLAREN
You have two cows. You schpeak to them in inexschplicable Dutch acschent. They are confusched.
(Schtop, schtop this joke is not ready! Ed.)
DAVID BECKHAM
You have one skinny cow.
ROBINHO
You are cleared of any allegations involving two cows.
KEIRON DYER
You have two cows. You are filmed with them in Ayia Napa.
DEAN WINDASS
You have two cows. Both are better looking than you.
STEVEN GERARD
You have two cows. You beat the shit out of them then deny it.
KAKA
You belong to Jesus, and so do both your cows.
ERIC CANTONA
When the two cows follow the tractor...
DAVID GINOLA
You have two cows. Because you're worth it.
SVEN GORAN ERIKSSON
You have two cows, called Ulrika and Nancy.
JOHN TERRY
You allegedly have at least two cows, stolen from other people.
FABIO CAPELLO
Two cows. You have. Yes. Is good.
GLEN HODDLE
At the end of the day, when all's said and done, you have two cows. And a faith healer.
GRAEME LE SAUX
You have two Jersey cows.
MATT LE TISSIER
And you have two Guernsey cows.
LUCA TONI
You can have as many cows as you want, because you're gorgeous.
PAUL GASCOIGNE
You had two cows, back then. You are still crying over them.
ZINEDINE ZIDANE
You better think twice before insulting my cows!
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