Random Additions/Music

BP
Two of your cows are leaking milk at an uncontrollable rate. Um, actually fifteen of your cows are leaking milk at an uncontrollable rate. And you don't know how to stop it. Oops.

DAGENHAM AND REDBRIDGE
Where the **** did you produce those three cows from?!

CHANNEL ISLANDS
You have 2 cows, but only one can afford to live here.
(courtesy of Nicky)

THE SOUTH BANK
Your cow is inexplicably purple.

BARNET FC
Your average weekly attendance is around 2 cows - maybe 3 on a good day - and frankly you're quite happy with this.

ELEVATORS
Your two cows provide irritating background Moozak (with apologies, Ed.)

TEXT MESSAGING
U HV 2 CWS LOL :-)

THE SPICE GIRLS
You have 5 cows, each carefully marketed to suggest their own unique character. They tell you whta they want, what they really, really want.

JULIE ANDREWS
The hills are alive with the sound of moosic (Couldn't resist. Ed.)

EELS
You have no cows, but it's alright, cos you like birds.

SAINT-SAENS
You have an elephant, a swan, some donkeys... no sign of any cows, though.

TCHAIKOVSKY
You have syphilis. History hasn't recorded how many cows you had.

ANOSTICISM
You may have two cows, but on the other hand, you may not. You just don't know.

ATHEISM
Of course you don't have any cows. Don't be so ridiculous. How could you when cows don't exist?

The Beautiful Game

Inspired by Greta, frequenter of Old Trafford and all-round super-chick, brought to you by themcowthings.

CLUBS:

FULHAM
You have two cows. That was unexpected!

BRADFORD CITY
You carelessly give two cows to the opposition.

PORTSMOUTH
You owe 200 cows.

SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY
You have two cows, but it wasn't quite enough...

LIVERPOOL
Neither of your cows will ever walk alone.

SHEFFIELD UNITED
The opposition obtained two cows by breaking the rules and are not properly penalised. You lose out as a result.

MILLWALL
You have two cows. You cause a riot over it.

ACCRINGTON STANLEY
You have two cows, but are still a joke.

GRIMSBY TOWN
You have two cows, and feel this warrants a prematurely optimistic pitch invasion.

NORWICH
You have two cows, panfried and served on a bed of rocket with dauphinoise potatoes.

PEOPLE

STEVE MCLAREN
You have two cows. You schpeak to them in inexschplicable Dutch acschent. They are confusched.
(Schtop, schtop this joke is not ready! Ed.)

DAVID BECKHAM
You have one skinny cow.

ROBINHO
You are cleared of any allegations involving two cows.

KEIRON DYER
You have two cows. You are filmed with them in Ayia Napa.

DEAN WINDASS
You have two cows. Both are better looking than you.

STEVEN GERARD
You have two cows. You beat the shit out of them then deny it.

KAKA
You belong to Jesus, and so do both your cows.

ERIC CANTONA
When the two cows follow the tractor...

DAVID GINOLA
You have two cows. Because you're worth it.

SVEN GORAN ERIKSSON
You have two cows, called Ulrika and Nancy.

JOHN TERRY
You allegedly have at least two cows, stolen from other people.

FABIO CAPELLO
Two cows. You have. Yes. Is good.

GLEN HODDLE
At the end of the day, when all's said and done, you have two cows. And a faith healer.

GRAEME LE SAUX
You have two Jersey cows.

MATT LE TISSIER
And you have two Guernsey cows.

LUCA TONI
You can have as many cows as you want, because you're gorgeous.

PAUL GASCOIGNE
You had two cows, back then. You are still crying over them.

ZINEDINE ZIDANE
You better think twice before insulting my cows!