STARBUCKS
You have two cows, although for tax purposes you don't have any.
TAX AVOIDANCE
You have two cows. They are officially domiciled in the Cayman Islands.
GOOGLE
You have two cows, but you tell the tax man they are sheep. You argue this is perfectly legal under international law and everybody is doing it.
IMPROVED NHS SERVICES
You have two cows. This allows you to choose between the two, even though there doesn't seem to be much difference between them, because choice is important.
WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER
You have two cows. You evict them from their barn for not being able to afford the extra charge they owe on the empty stall after a third cow died.
PAOLO DI CANIO
You have two cows, but argue this has nothing to do with your abilities as a manager.
DAMIEN HIRST
You have two cows. You cut them in half for no conceivable reason and call it Art. Everyone hails you a genius.
WIMBLEDON
You have two cows. They go out in the first round. It rains.
SALLY BERCOW
Why is everyone talking about cows? *Innocent face*.
ESPECIALLY FOR MY FRIEND RHODA
We have a goat. Our alternative lifestyle collective is complete.
Tuesday, 25 June 2013
Sunday, 7 April 2013
Inevitable New Entries
FOOD SCANDAL
You have two cows. They turn out to be horses.
UK BORDER AGENCY You have a cow, which you declare not fit for purpose. You split it into two cows, and wait for the inevitable.
IAIN DUNCAN SMITH You have two cows. One lives in big, warm barn next to a lush, green field, the other in a shed in a dirty yard. You visit the one in the shed, take its milk away because you think there's room in the shed for at least one more cow, chop its front legs off and tell it we're all in this together.
CLASS SYSTEM You traditionally had three cows. Now you have seven. Apparently.
UK BORDER AGENCY You have a cow, which you declare not fit for purpose. You split it into two cows, and wait for the inevitable.
IAIN DUNCAN SMITH You have two cows. One lives in big, warm barn next to a lush, green field, the other in a shed in a dirty yard. You visit the one in the shed, take its milk away because you think there's room in the shed for at least one more cow, chop its front legs off and tell it we're all in this together.
CLASS SYSTEM You traditionally had three cows. Now you have seven. Apparently.
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
Immigration Cows
STUDENTS
You have two cows. They are the brighest and the best
HEATHROW
You have two cows. One is deemed to be of "High value", and thus jumps the queue.
ACCORDING TO THERESA MAY
You have two cats. You get a visa.
BUREACRACY
You have two cows. They fail to get visas as they accidentally forget to tick the box to confirm they are not in fact sheep.
THE HOME OFFICE
You had ten thousand cows at the last count, but you've lost track of them. They might still be here, but moo knows? (see what I did there?)
STUDENTS ACCORDING TO THE DAILY MAIL
You have two cows. They work full time in a burger bar, taking British jobs away from British cows.
TOUGH NEW MEASURES
You have a cow and a calf. You send the calf away to live with a bull it's never met.
TIER 4 FORM: NEW VERSION
You hav two cwos. Got to section O.
HELPLINE
Your cows are very important to us. Please hold, or see our website for more details.
THE FUTURE
You might have had two cows, but they went to Canada instead.
You have two cows. They are the brighest and the best
HEATHROW
You have two cows. One is deemed to be of "High value", and thus jumps the queue.
ACCORDING TO THERESA MAY
You have two cats. You get a visa.
BUREACRACY
You have two cows. They fail to get visas as they accidentally forget to tick the box to confirm they are not in fact sheep.
THE HOME OFFICE
You had ten thousand cows at the last count, but you've lost track of them. They might still be here, but moo knows? (see what I did there?)
STUDENTS ACCORDING TO THE DAILY MAIL
You have two cows. They work full time in a burger bar, taking British jobs away from British cows.
TOUGH NEW MEASURES
You have a cow and a calf. You send the calf away to live with a bull it's never met.
TIER 4 FORM: NEW VERSION
You hav two cwos. Got to section O.
HELPLINE
Your cows are very important to us. Please hold, or see our website for more details.
THE FUTURE
You might have had two cows, but they went to Canada instead.
Sunday, 30 May 2010
Random Additions/Music
BP
Two of your cows are leaking milk at an uncontrollable rate. Um, actually fifteen of your cows are leaking milk at an uncontrollable rate. And you don't know how to stop it. Oops.
DAGENHAM AND REDBRIDGE
Where the **** did you produce those three cows from?!
CHANNEL ISLANDS
You have 2 cows, but only one can afford to live here.
(courtesy of Nicky)
THE SOUTH BANK
Your cow is inexplicably purple.
BARNET FC
Your average weekly attendance is around 2 cows - maybe 3 on a good day - and frankly you're quite happy with this.
ELEVATORS
Your two cows provide irritating background Moozak (with apologies, Ed.)
TEXT MESSAGING
U HV 2 CWS LOL :-)
THE SPICE GIRLS
You have 5 cows, each carefully marketed to suggest their own unique character. They tell you whta they want, what they really, really want.
JULIE ANDREWS
The hills are alive with the sound of moosic (Couldn't resist. Ed.)
EELS
You have no cows, but it's alright, cos you like birds.
SAINT-SAENS
You have an elephant, a swan, some donkeys... no sign of any cows, though.
TCHAIKOVSKY
You have syphilis. History hasn't recorded how many cows you had.
ANOSTICISM
You may have two cows, but on the other hand, you may not. You just don't know.
ATHEISM
Of course you don't have any cows. Don't be so ridiculous. How could you when cows don't exist?
Two of your cows are leaking milk at an uncontrollable rate. Um, actually fifteen of your cows are leaking milk at an uncontrollable rate. And you don't know how to stop it. Oops.
DAGENHAM AND REDBRIDGE
Where the **** did you produce those three cows from?!
CHANNEL ISLANDS
You have 2 cows, but only one can afford to live here.
(courtesy of Nicky)
THE SOUTH BANK
Your cow is inexplicably purple.
BARNET FC
Your average weekly attendance is around 2 cows - maybe 3 on a good day - and frankly you're quite happy with this.
ELEVATORS
Your two cows provide irritating background Moozak (with apologies, Ed.)
TEXT MESSAGING
U HV 2 CWS LOL :-)
THE SPICE GIRLS
You have 5 cows, each carefully marketed to suggest their own unique character. They tell you whta they want, what they really, really want.
JULIE ANDREWS
The hills are alive with the sound of moosic (Couldn't resist. Ed.)
EELS
You have no cows, but it's alright, cos you like birds.
SAINT-SAENS
You have an elephant, a swan, some donkeys... no sign of any cows, though.
TCHAIKOVSKY
You have syphilis. History hasn't recorded how many cows you had.
ANOSTICISM
You may have two cows, but on the other hand, you may not. You just don't know.
ATHEISM
Of course you don't have any cows. Don't be so ridiculous. How could you when cows don't exist?
Sunday, 2 May 2010
The Beautiful Game
Inspired by Greta, frequenter of Old Trafford and all-round super-chick, brought to you by themcowthings.
CLUBS:
FULHAM
You have two cows. That was unexpected!
BRADFORD CITY
You carelessly give two cows to the opposition.
PORTSMOUTH
You owe 200 cows.
SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY
You have two cows, but it wasn't quite enough...
LIVERPOOL
Neither of your cows will ever walk alone.
SHEFFIELD UNITED
The opposition obtained two cows by breaking the rules and are not properly penalised. You lose out as a result.
MILLWALL
You have two cows. You cause a riot over it.
ACCRINGTON STANLEY
You have two cows, but are still a joke.
GRIMSBY TOWN
You have two cows, and feel this warrants a prematurely optimistic pitch invasion.
NORWICH
You have two cows, panfried and served on a bed of rocket with dauphinoise potatoes.
PEOPLE
STEVE MCLAREN
You have two cows. You schpeak to them in inexschplicable Dutch acschent. They are confusched.
(Schtop, schtop this joke is not ready! Ed.)
DAVID BECKHAM
You have one skinny cow.
ROBINHO
You are cleared of any allegations involving two cows.
KEIRON DYER
You have two cows. You are filmed with them in Ayia Napa.
DEAN WINDASS
You have two cows. Both are better looking than you.
STEVEN GERARD
You have two cows. You beat the shit out of them then deny it.
KAKA
You belong to Jesus, and so do both your cows.
ERIC CANTONA
When the two cows follow the tractor...
DAVID GINOLA
You have two cows. Because you're worth it.
SVEN GORAN ERIKSSON
You have two cows, called Ulrika and Nancy.
JOHN TERRY
You allegedly have at least two cows, stolen from other people.
FABIO CAPELLO
Two cows. You have. Yes. Is good.
GLEN HODDLE
At the end of the day, when all's said and done, you have two cows. And a faith healer.
GRAEME LE SAUX
You have two Jersey cows.
MATT LE TISSIER
And you have two Guernsey cows.
LUCA TONI
You can have as many cows as you want, because you're gorgeous.
PAUL GASCOIGNE
You had two cows, back then. You are still crying over them.
ZINEDINE ZIDANE
You better think twice before insulting my cows!
CLUBS:
FULHAM
You have two cows. That was unexpected!
BRADFORD CITY
You carelessly give two cows to the opposition.
PORTSMOUTH
You owe 200 cows.
SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY
You have two cows, but it wasn't quite enough...
LIVERPOOL
Neither of your cows will ever walk alone.
SHEFFIELD UNITED
The opposition obtained two cows by breaking the rules and are not properly penalised. You lose out as a result.
MILLWALL
You have two cows. You cause a riot over it.
ACCRINGTON STANLEY
You have two cows, but are still a joke.
GRIMSBY TOWN
You have two cows, and feel this warrants a prematurely optimistic pitch invasion.
NORWICH
You have two cows, panfried and served on a bed of rocket with dauphinoise potatoes.
PEOPLE
STEVE MCLAREN
You have two cows. You schpeak to them in inexschplicable Dutch acschent. They are confusched.
(Schtop, schtop this joke is not ready! Ed.)
DAVID BECKHAM
You have one skinny cow.
ROBINHO
You are cleared of any allegations involving two cows.
KEIRON DYER
You have two cows. You are filmed with them in Ayia Napa.
DEAN WINDASS
You have two cows. Both are better looking than you.
STEVEN GERARD
You have two cows. You beat the shit out of them then deny it.
KAKA
You belong to Jesus, and so do both your cows.
ERIC CANTONA
When the two cows follow the tractor...
DAVID GINOLA
You have two cows. Because you're worth it.
SVEN GORAN ERIKSSON
You have two cows, called Ulrika and Nancy.
JOHN TERRY
You allegedly have at least two cows, stolen from other people.
FABIO CAPELLO
Two cows. You have. Yes. Is good.
GLEN HODDLE
At the end of the day, when all's said and done, you have two cows. And a faith healer.
GRAEME LE SAUX
You have two Jersey cows.
MATT LE TISSIER
And you have two Guernsey cows.
LUCA TONI
You can have as many cows as you want, because you're gorgeous.
PAUL GASCOIGNE
You had two cows, back then. You are still crying over them.
ZINEDINE ZIDANE
You better think twice before insulting my cows!
Monday, 22 March 2010
That's All (for now) Folks!!
So credit where it's due, this blog would never had happened were it not for the tireless efforts of cow lovers everywhere, amongst them anonymous web posters, friends past and present, a vicar or two and my old biology teacher. Big blog hugs to all of ya!
Please post your cows here, and they will be faithfully added to the main blog. The world needs more cows!!!
(Ah well, this was one way of dealing with insomnia!)
Saturday, 20 March 2010
Then frankly...
...we all just got a bit carried away:
NIETZSCHIAN
The cows are dead.
MR T-ISM
I pity the poor foo' that don't have no cows!
SKEPTICISM
You suspend judgement, for the time being, as to whether or not you have any cows.
YODAISM
Two cows you have
DYSLEXIC ANALYSIS
You have two woks
GUERNSEY
You have two cows. They are Jersey cows. You mock them.
APPLEISM
You have two cows, both are white and shiny. Both of them are touchscreen cows that can only eat apple grass bought from the apple grass store. Everyone else has two cows just like them. You are deeply hip.
MICROSOFTISM
You have two cows, but neither are compatible, one of them just crashed due to bad grass, and the other needs more RAM. They can eat eighty different kinds of grass, and each will make them behave slightly differently.
ENGLISH FOOTBALL
You have two cows. You screw both of them.
BRITISH FARMING
You had a lot of cows. The man from DEFRA burned them. Now you have nothing.
ABBA
You have two cows. You divorce them and write a nunber 1 hit about it.
FATALISM
You have two cows, and one day they will die.
THATCHERISM
You have two cows, and a share in a third. Your neighbour has none, and their barn is about to be repossessed. Well done you.
YOUTH CULTURE
You has, like, two cows, you get me? Respect.
NIHILISM
You have two cows, but you don't milk them because they're going to die anyway.
IKEAISM
You have two cows which you assembled yourself. One is missing an udder. The other has three ears. You're not sure how that happened.
ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISM
Someone had two cows, so you invaded their field and set them free. You feel good.
BRITISH BANKING
You have a lot of cows. You squander them. The taxpayer pays for some more.
SOUTH PARKISM
You have two cows. Cows are bad, mm'kay? They trample Kenny and kill him.
ACID TRIP
You have two cows. You're not sure how they got into your apartment. Or why they're pink. Or why they're singing Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell.
POST-ALCOHOL
You think you had two cows last night... you might have lost them on the bus... oh, God, did you really say that to them? Your head hurts...
THESPIANISM
you have two cows, they are both plywood cut outs, but you call them both "darling!" and buy them cards on press night.
TEKKIEISM
you have two cows, both attached to your belt. One is a back up cow in case the first one breaks. They are both used to fix lights
INNUENDO
You "have" two cows
OLD TESTAMENT
You have two cows. Noah sends you back out as he specifically asked for one of each sex.
EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT
You have two cows/vous avez deux vaches
LATIN LESSON
Duo bovis est in horto
NIETZSCHIAN
The cows are dead.
MR T-ISM
I pity the poor foo' that don't have no cows!
SKEPTICISM
You suspend judgement, for the time being, as to whether or not you have any cows.
YODAISM
Two cows you have
DYSLEXIC ANALYSIS
You have two woks
GUERNSEY
You have two cows. They are Jersey cows. You mock them.
APPLEISM
You have two cows, both are white and shiny. Both of them are touchscreen cows that can only eat apple grass bought from the apple grass store. Everyone else has two cows just like them. You are deeply hip.
MICROSOFTISM
You have two cows, but neither are compatible, one of them just crashed due to bad grass, and the other needs more RAM. They can eat eighty different kinds of grass, and each will make them behave slightly differently.
ENGLISH FOOTBALL
You have two cows. You screw both of them.
BRITISH FARMING
You had a lot of cows. The man from DEFRA burned them. Now you have nothing.
ABBA
You have two cows. You divorce them and write a nunber 1 hit about it.
FATALISM
You have two cows, and one day they will die.
THATCHERISM
You have two cows, and a share in a third. Your neighbour has none, and their barn is about to be repossessed. Well done you.
YOUTH CULTURE
You has, like, two cows, you get me? Respect.
NIHILISM
You have two cows, but you don't milk them because they're going to die anyway.
IKEAISM
You have two cows which you assembled yourself. One is missing an udder. The other has three ears. You're not sure how that happened.
ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISM
Someone had two cows, so you invaded their field and set them free. You feel good.
BRITISH BANKING
You have a lot of cows. You squander them. The taxpayer pays for some more.
SOUTH PARKISM
You have two cows. Cows are bad, mm'kay? They trample Kenny and kill him.
ACID TRIP
You have two cows. You're not sure how they got into your apartment. Or why they're pink. Or why they're singing Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell.
POST-ALCOHOL
You think you had two cows last night... you might have lost them on the bus... oh, God, did you really say that to them? Your head hurts...
THESPIANISM
you have two cows, they are both plywood cut outs, but you call them both "darling!" and buy them cards on press night.
TEKKIEISM
you have two cows, both attached to your belt. One is a back up cow in case the first one breaks. They are both used to fix lights
INNUENDO
You "have" two cows
OLD TESTAMENT
You have two cows. Noah sends you back out as he specifically asked for one of each sex.
EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT
You have two cows/vous avez deux vaches
LATIN LESSON
Duo bovis est in horto
Literary Cows
And it wasn't long before we went literary on your arse:
SHAKESPEAREISM
You have two cows and two bulls. For spurious reasons the cows dress as bulls and the bulls dress as cows. Much hilarity ensues.
BRONTEISM:
You have three cows. They live on the moors in Yorkshire and die tragically young.
JANE AUSTENISM:
You have a cow and a bull. They are obviously made for each other, but don't find out until Chapter 18.
LAKE WOBEGONISM
You have two cows. They are strong and above average, and will one day become the key to a meandering little adventure.
TOLKIENISM
You have two cows of power, you must take one to Mount Doom in Mordor and throw it into the fiery depths. The other one is a wizard.
TOLKIENISM ACCORDING TO CS LEWIS
Not another fucking cow.
JK ROWLINGISM
You have two cows. They have made you unimaginably wealthy.
E E CUMMINGS
you have
two
cows
JACK KEROUAC
You have two cows. They travel the length and breadth of the land to find themselves.
GEORGE ORWELL
Four cows good. Two cows bad.
BRIDGET JONES
Cows owned: 2
CHARLES DICKENS
You have two cows. You give them implausible names which are meant to be funny.
ENID BLYTON
You have 5 cows, though confusingly one of them is a dog. Together they have some smashing adventures, washed down with lashings of ginger beer.
THOMAS HARDY
You have two cows. They live hard lives on bleak moorland and die tragic deaths, but only after elongating the story for far longer than is really necessary.
WORDSWORTH
I wandered lonely as a cow.
There are surely endless possibilities to the literary cows, including these on wiki. Please post new ones in the comments section!
SHAKESPEAREISM
You have two cows and two bulls. For spurious reasons the cows dress as bulls and the bulls dress as cows. Much hilarity ensues.
BRONTEISM:
You have three cows. They live on the moors in Yorkshire and die tragically young.
JANE AUSTENISM:
You have a cow and a bull. They are obviously made for each other, but don't find out until Chapter 18.
LAKE WOBEGONISM
You have two cows. They are strong and above average, and will one day become the key to a meandering little adventure.
TOLKIENISM
You have two cows of power, you must take one to Mount Doom in Mordor and throw it into the fiery depths. The other one is a wizard.
TOLKIENISM ACCORDING TO CS LEWIS
Not another fucking cow.
JK ROWLINGISM
You have two cows. They have made you unimaginably wealthy.
E E CUMMINGS
you have
two
cows
JACK KEROUAC
You have two cows. They travel the length and breadth of the land to find themselves.
GEORGE ORWELL
Four cows good. Two cows bad.
BRIDGET JONES
Cows owned: 2
CHARLES DICKENS
You have two cows. You give them implausible names which are meant to be funny.
ENID BLYTON
You have 5 cows, though confusingly one of them is a dog. Together they have some smashing adventures, washed down with lashings of ginger beer.
THOMAS HARDY
You have two cows. They live hard lives on bleak moorland and die tragic deaths, but only after elongating the story for far longer than is really necessary.
WORDSWORTH
I wandered lonely as a cow.
There are surely endless possibilities to the literary cows, including these on wiki. Please post new ones in the comments section!
Oh and then...
...and then my little eclectic clique of blogosphere ex-schoolmates - a group of not-quite-emos but always the Out-Crowd who lurk in cyber-space and non-trendy bars on the outskirts of towns everywhere, in the same way we always lurked just on the outside of pretty much everything, got hold of it, and that's where it starts to get interesting...
BLAIRISM:
You say you think your enemy has two cows, and go to war over it.
WESTMINSTERISM:
You have two cows. You claim for them both.
ETHICAL GIFTISM:
You have two goats. They are given to a family in Africa.
FASHIONISTAS:
You have two llamas. Cows are so last year.
PARANOIA:
You have two cows. Why does the one on the right keep looking at you funny?
LIBERAL DEMOCRATS:
You have two cows. Your neighbours have 8 cows and 11 cows respectively, but you still think your cows stand a chance.
WIKIPEDIANISM:
You have two cows. Cows are green in colour and descended from horses. Their diet consists mainly of waffles with maple syrup and their favourite activities include ice skating.
OLD TESTAMENT:
You have two cows, which you are expressly told not to worship. The cows are cool, but you still secretly covet your neighbour's ass.
Some of these, of course, fit into other categories, but they are largely original and post-date the previous ones, so are collected somewhat randomly here.
BLAIRISM:
You say you think your enemy has two cows, and go to war over it.
WESTMINSTERISM:
You have two cows. You claim for them both.
ETHICAL GIFTISM:
You have two goats. They are given to a family in Africa.
FASHIONISTAS:
You have two llamas. Cows are so last year.
PARANOIA:
You have two cows. Why does the one on the right keep looking at you funny?
LIBERAL DEMOCRATS:
You have two cows. Your neighbours have 8 cows and 11 cows respectively, but you still think your cows stand a chance.
WIKIPEDIANISM:
You have two cows. Cows are green in colour and descended from horses. Their diet consists mainly of waffles with maple syrup and their favourite activities include ice skating.
OLD TESTAMENT:
You have two cows, which you are expressly told not to worship. The cows are cool, but you still secretly covet your neighbour's ass.
Some of these, of course, fit into other categories, but they are largely original and post-date the previous ones, so are collected somewhat randomly here.
And then...
And then? Well, then I guess it all descended into a sort of free-for-all of concepts and, well, just about anything out of which you could squeeze the whole cows metaphor:
PESSIMISM
You have two cows, but they will probably both catch BSE and die.
INDIVIDUALISM
You have two cows, which you paint blue and cover in polka dots
SATANISM
.SWOC OWT EVAH UOY
SURREALISM:
You have one aardvark. It is learning to play the panpipes.
EMO-ISM:
You have two cows. They don't understand whata complex person you are
HYPOCHONDRIA:
You have two cows. Oh God! That must mean you're going to die!
PESSIMISM
You have two cows, but they will probably both catch BSE and die.
INDIVIDUALISM
You have two cows, which you paint blue and cover in polka dots
SATANISM
.SWOC OWT EVAH UOY
SURREALISM:
You have one aardvark. It is learning to play the panpipes.
EMO-ISM:
You have two cows. They don't understand whata complex person you are
HYPOCHONDRIA:
You have two cows. Oh God! That must mean you're going to die!
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